I fucking love an urban myth. They’re great conversation starters, ice breakers and friendship cementers. We’ve all heard them, usually starting with the classic: “my pal’s brother’s second cousin”, or “no, no seriously it’s actually my mate’s mate!” Here’s a list of some of my favourites:

The Boa Constrictor Who Was Planning On Eating His Owner

A boy had a snake that he let sleep in his bed, the snake had been refusing to eat for the last few days and the boy began to get worried. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’d begun to sleep strangely. The boy awoke two nights in a row and the snake was stretched out horizontally beside him. The boy was extremely worried, so he took the snake to the vet where he saw sheer panic in the vet’s eyes: “You let this animal sleep in your bed? Keep it in the cage. Do you understand me? It’s been fasting…it was measuring you whilst you slept….it was planning on eating you!!!!”

The Clown Statue

Shirley was babysitting for a family with a 4 year old girl. After putting the girl to bed, Shirley was pottering about downstairs when she heard crying. Shirley went back up, consoled the little girl and turned to leave when the girl started crying again. Shirley thought the girl was just being silly and wondered if it may be better to leave her to cry when she noticed a clown statue in the corner of the room. ‘Urgh’ thought Shirley, ‘terrible decor.’ She covered the clown with a blanket from the child’s bed and left. Ten minutes later the crying began again. Shirley decided to phone the parents and see if they would mind her removing the clown statue as it seemed to be really upsetting the child. When the parents tell her they have no clown statue, Shirley raced upstairs to find both the ‘statue’ and the child gone.

“It was the dog!”

A teenage couple were having anal sex on a white couch. The boy’s parents were out and so they weren’t expecting anyone home. As the front door opened, the boy got a huge fright and quickly pulled and, in doing so, hit a nerve. The girl shit everywhere, absolutely everywhere, all over the white couch, and ran out of the room. The parents walked in and couldn’t believe the scene before them. Out of panic the boy blamed the dog and the parents, thinking the dog was clearly terminally unwell, were forced to get it put down.

The Rolling Poo Story

A girl really needed to poo during the busy lunch rush hour but was worried about doing so in a public place with lots of people around. She decided the only way to do it was to catch her poo before it reached the water. So, this plan in mind, she rolled her hand in toilet paper and proceeded to crouch over the toilet seat. Only she didn’t catch it….and out it rolled under the door and into broad daylight. It was a busy lunch time and the queue was a long one. She stayed in the toilets for at least two full rotations until a solid hour had passed and she emerged, stepping over her poo in total shame.

The Dead Dog in the Suitcase

Annie was house-sitting for an extremely rich family in London for two weeks whilst they holidayed somewhere far far away and extremely remote. A few days in she noticed their dog Rascal looked a bit off colour and didn’t seem happy. Annie decided to wait a few days to see if Rascal perked up, after all the nearest vet was quite far away and she couldn’t contact the family. However, two days later she came home and Rascal was dead. Terrified, Annie tried to figure out a plan and in her panic she decided that the best plan would be to get the dog cremated (no idea what was going through Annie’s head). The family wouldn’t be back for two weeks, it seemed like the best plan seeing as Rascal was a fucking belter of a dog and trying to bury him would be impossible. That said she still had to get him to a crematorium. She panicked as she realised she couldn’t afford a taxi and decided she’d take Rascal on the subway…in a suitcase. Unfortunately the only suitcase the family owned which was big enough was Louis Vuitton. Forcing the gigantic dog into the ridiculous suitcase, she dragged it to the subway and started her gruelling journey. She struggled through London with the dead dog until finally, roughly half an hour later, a man stopped and asked if she’d like help. Annie sighed in relief and let the kind man take the suitcase. They walked up the stairs and he asked her what on earth she was struggling with. She panicked and blurted out that she was on her way back to university so it was her laptop and some of her dj-ing equipment. As they got to the gates Annie stopped to get her ticket from her pocket and looking up, she realised he had disappeared. With her suitcase. That contained a dead dog.

“Humans can lick too”

There was once a young girl whose parents usually left her home alone and so had decided to buy her a dog to keep her company. One evening she was asleep with her dog in his usual spot under her bed. She awoke because there was a tap dripping somewhere in the house and got up to turn the kitchen tap off. She got back into bed, her dog licking her hand reassuringly and she fell back to sleep. However she awoke again and again went to check the bathroom tap. She got back into bed and again the dog licked her hand. She tried to go back to sleep. It was still dripping and she realised it was much closer than the bathroom or the kitchen. She checked the cupboard just outside her bedroom and there was her dog hanging upside down with his neck cut. Written on the inside of the cupboard was the chilling message: “Humans can lick too!”

Irish Man with Mouth Infection

A young woman in her early twenties had gone to Ireland on a hen weekend with three of her best friends. They’d gone out on the Friday night, had some drinks and she’d met a guy who seemed lovely. They’d gotten along great all night and at the end of the night he’d asked her to come home with him. She declined having just gotten out of a relationship and also aware she was in a new city with her friends. She’d rather not, she said but they exchanged numbers and she kissed him goodbye. The next night they went out again and were drinking more heavily. They met up and he brought some friends with him, everyone got along great and it seemed like she would go home with him tonight. But then the bride to be got very unwell and they needed to take her to the hospital. It was their last night in the city. A few days after she got home she realised she had a rash forming around her mouth. It was sore and unattractive so she went to the doctors who took a swab and told her to phone back in a week. However, a few days later she was asked to come into the doctor’s surgery immediately. The doctor asked her if she had had contact with a dead person in the last week to which she replied ‘no’. He asked if she had had sexual contact in the past week and when she slowly nodded he looked visibly alarmed. The police were immediately informed and the man’s phone number passed along. The swabs from her mouth indicated that the man she was kissing had been in contact with dead people.

Great Night, Shitty Morning

There was once a girl who’d had a one night stand, woken up in the morning and the guy was just heading to work. He gave her a kiss, said he’d had a nice time and asked her to leave her number. She smiled; she’d had a great time and really fancied him. However she was absolutely dying for a hangover poo so the minute he left she ran to the toilet. But…it wouldn’t flush. She took drastic measures and decided she would have to take it with her and put it in the bin outside. After bagging it up, she wrote him a note, leaving her number and “had a great night! Hopefully see you soon.Chrissy xoxo” and finally pulled the door closed. As she felt it click closed she realised she’d left her bag of poo on the table.

[LB]

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