Sick of being accosted by Rector Campaigners on Library Hill? Me too. A campaigner almost punched me in the face with a Snowden flyer today, screaming with bloodshot eyes that “I DESERVE PRIVATE E-MAILS DAMMIT!” I moved on, not wanting to get into an argument while I was already late for class, but I couldn’t help but think to myself just how… belittling it is that Edward Snowden is a genuine candidate for Glasgow University Rector.
On that note, let’s talk about game characters who should be Rector.
G.L.A.D.O.S – Portal
Feel like university isn’t challenging enough? Need someone who’s going to keep your toes in line and punish you appropriately for skipping class? Vote for G.L.A.D.O.S! A vote for G.L.A.D.O.S is a vote for experimentation, more tests, a calm, soothing voice explaining why your family doesn’t love you, and efficiency! Under such a hard reign, we can expect to see less strikes, higher standards of teaching, an improved Moodle and Mycampus system, and cake. Lots and lots of cake.
Colonel Campbell – Metal Gear Solid
Maybe you think university is simply too challenging! No idea how to work the printers in the SRC building? Can’t find your tutorial group to join on Moodle? Have no fear, vote for Colonel Campbell! He’ll give you a measured, very…very…very…very slow walkthrough on how to turn the printer on. It might take you all of honours, but Colonel Campbell will get you where you need to go, and if you just need a quick chat, all you’ll need is to call him up on your radio! It’s likely he’d just repeat information you no longer need, but at least he’ll do it in a cheerful ‘I’m the boss!’ kind of way!
Albert Wesker – Resident Evil
University is the perfect place to discover who you truly are! If you’re a born-again nihilist or a power hungry megalomaniac, vote for Wesker! Think we should just burn the university to the ground? A fan of backstabbing your friends? Want to create a virus that turns everyone into zombies just so you can sell the virus to foreign countries? You do!? Oh boy! Then vote for Wesker. He’s quick, witty, agile… but don’t cross him, or he’ll devote his entire life to finding fiendish ways to kill you and failing. Can’t think of a good comeback in a fight? Just drop him an e-mail and he’ll share such gold with you like, “7 minutes. 7 minutes is all I can spare for you,” & “aww, time to die!”
Elizabeth Comstock – Bioshock Infinite
One second she’s strong and curious, the next she’s a tyrannical dictator, devastated by her abandonment and betrayal. But at least she’s a creative one! Elizabeth Comstock is responsible for such wonders as the Boys of Silence, and the murder of the terrifying Songbird. Elizabeth will fight for your safety, blow away irritating campaigners with a tornado, and throw ammo, health and vigors your way. You probably won’t need them, but just knowing that she’s there when the going gets tough is enough for us! Vote for Elizabeth. There’s a universe where you did, why not make it this one?
Commander Shepard – Mass Effect
“I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my favourite University on the Citadel.”
Commander Shepard will have sex with anyone. Commander Shepard won’t take no shit from reporters. Commander Shepard will be your best friend, no matter what race or religion you are. Commander Shepard will save the Galaxy… kind of. Commander Shepard (male or female) will always make the right decision, unless they’re feeling kinda Renegade that day. But at least they’ll stand up to the Council for you!
Vote for Commander Shepard. We don’t really know what they’ll do next either.
And let’s face it. These options are all just as present and helpful as Edward Snowden.