Summer qmunicuts – Mega Edition

May 12th, 2014:

A ‘bitch’ did indeed become one of Jay-Z’s 99 problems as Beyonce’s sister Solange had a go at him in an elevator. Beyonce made a hasty retreat and the internet hasn’t shut up about it since.

May 16th, 2014:

Shoppers in London were absolutely buzzin’ as a swarm of 5,000 honeybees decided to make a flagship Topshop store their new home.

May 21st, 2014:

A Canadian man rescued a baby moose stranded at the side of the highway and took it to an animal shelter, but not before he took it to Tim Horton’s first. Eye-witnesses have described this as a ‘Truly Canadian experience’ and I think we all have to agree.

June 6th, 2014:

George R.R. Martin announced that for a $20,000 donation to one of his chosen charities he would kill off two lucky fans in the most gruesome way possible. Let’s hope he only kills them off in the ASOIAF books then eh?

June 11th, 2014:

It was announced that Grumpy Cat would star in her own Christmas movie. Ugh, sounds awful.

June 17th, 2014:

After seeing Jeremy ‘The Hot Convict’ Meek’s mugshots plastered all over our Facebook pages his mother stated that the only thing he was guilty of was being good looking. All the qmunicate staff are guilty of this ghastly crime, too.

June 17th 2014:

Pitbull was awarded with an honorary degree from Doral College, Florida due to his work supporting education in the state. Or maybe it’s because of his stroke of genius when rhyming the word ‘Kodak’ with ‘Kodak’. Inspired.

June 24th 2014:

Luiz Suarez had his third taste of human flesh in the Uruguay vs Italy match in the group stages during the world cup after attempting to take a sizeable chunk from Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder. Rumours that Hannibal Lecter has been in touch have not yet been confirmed.

June 29th, 2014:

A woman in Kansas was charged with arson as she burned down her own home attempting to kill a spider. Totally worth it.

June 30th, 2014:

Dolly Parton offered to adopt the dog left behind at Glastonbury festival. It’s fortunate the dog’s real owners stepped up- Parton wouldn’t be able to give it the proper care as reports suggest she works 9-5.

July 1st, 2014:

Rumours that Hogwarts finally accepted dogs into the castle walls were wild this day as Daniel Radcliffe was seen walking a dozen dogs throughout the streets.

July 3rd, 2014:

Zack Brown of Ohio started a Kickstarter to fund $10 for him to make some experimental potato salad. He raised $55,492. It better be a fucking good potato salad.

July 9th, 2014:

The World Cup producers and cameramen stalking female fans in the crowd actually paid off for one lucky woman as she was offered a modelling contract with LO’real. See girls?! This is why we should go to football matches!!111!<3

July 18th, 2014:

Dubai offers its overweight citizens gold to shed the pounds. Taking the idiom ‘worth your weight in gold’ to a whole other level.

July 19th, 2014:

Russia launch the most important satellite into orbit- one full of geckos to see how they reproduce in zero gravity. Ground breaking.

July 25th, 2014:

Gecko space orgy apparently gets out of hand as Russia lose control of the satellite. A sequel to Gravity just got a whole lot more appealing.

July 28th, 2014:

Russia regains control of satellite. Geckos are sorry.

July 31st 2014:

The subway in Beijing begins to accept trash as payment. Qmunicate wonders if it’ll accept Sam Pepper then.

August 6th 2014:

Wikipedia refuse to take a monkey’s selfie off their website as the copyright belongs to the primate. The monkey’s lawyers have yet to officially comment.

August 7th 2014:

A man is charged with pretending to be a ghost in a cemetery in Portsmouth. Spoopy.

August 8th, 2014:

Bernie Eccleston buys his way out of his bribery charges in Germany for approximately £60m. All’s well that ends well, then.

August 14th, 2014:

Seaworld accepts that Blackfish has influenced their declining ticket sales and announced they would provide bigger tanks. Qmunicate think’s they’ve missed the point.

August 20th, 2014:

The co-founder of the ALS ice-bucket challenge dies from drowning. It is unclear who he has nominated for this particular challenge.

August 27th, 2014:

The Better Together Campaign let Scottish women know they don’t have to think about the referendum, just have a quick 5 minute reflection about whatever your husband has to say on it then go pick up the kids. Job well done ladies!

August 27th, 2014:

A Giant Panda in a zoo in China reportedly pretended to be pregnant to receive better care from the keepers. Not just a pretty face.

September 1st 2014:

A Sky Sports reporter gruellingly climbed the career ladder only to get a dildo in his ear on screen this very day. It was all worth it.

September 3rd 2014:

Russia sadly announced the sex Gecko’s have all died on the satellite. This story was a rollercoaster ride from start to finish.

[Chiara Bullen – @Bullieo]

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