Because Westminster Needs More Bigots

In these times of cultural and political crisis, there are many issues that a political party might desire to address. So we should thank our lucky stars that one man has finally identified the root cause of all the evil in the world.

Retired businessman Mike Buchanan has taken it upon himself to free society from the crippling oppression of feminism with his party ‘Justice for Men and Boys (and the women who love them.)’ running in the General Election.

He states that his ultimate aim is to make ‘Feminism a dirty word’ ‘a badge of shame’ equal to that of calling oneself a ‘bigot’ or a ‘fascist’.

How right he is. After all it is so very tedious, not to mention time-consuming, for men to be bombarded with relentless demands for equality and social justice – especially men as important, intelligent and open-minded as himself. Yes, the inconvenience of it definitely equates that of a dictatorship.

‘We hear a lot about misogyny, which is actually very rare, but a hatred of men is very commonplace,’ said Buchanan. ‘As far as the state is concerned, males are pretty much subhuman and they’ll do anything they can to destroy men’s lives.’

By this logic, feminism arose spontaneously and unprovoked. Although no evidence is provided to support this bold assertion, I will not question it as I am only a woman and that is not my role in life.

Buchanan explains how women’s roles are actually determined by our disinclination to work, ‘Women just want to do other things with their lives… They’re less driven and have less to gain from getting to the top of their professions, so they naturally don’t put the effort in that a man would.’

This really cleared things up for me. Up until now I’d believed that the glass ceiling was a remnant of a patriarchal society in which the labour of women simply wasn’t deemed equal to the labour of men. I definitely won’t ask why it is that women feel they have ‘less to gain from getting to the tops of their professions’ as that would reveal a logical flaw in his argument.

What’s more I’m sure he can confidently speak on behalf of all the women in the world even though he has never met them. Women like to be spoken for anyway.

Until it comes to rape that is – it turns out that actually most women enjoy accusing innocent men of sexual assault for no apparent reason and Buchanan has a myriad of explanations for this evil behavior that he is eager to share with you on his website. The fact that sometimes you can’t be sure whether a woman is lying about means that it’s actually never fair to penalize men for it at all.  This is part of his Justice for Men campaign which in absolutely no way could be confused with bigoted sexism. It doesn’t matter that Buchanan is quite literally endorsing that men’s interests be put before those of women – he ensures us he is not a misogynist.

On the contrary, he says that anyone who calls him a misogynist just needs to ‘get to know him better’. As enticing as that prospect sounds, I find I’m just far too busy not shaving and maintaining my shrine to Viktoria Rieger. Not to mention campaigning for the routine castration of every man that looks at me the wrong way. Which is actually a shame as I would have enjoyed the opportunity to shake hands with this bigot, if only to hand him a dictionary and invite him to discover that he has founded an entire political party upon a ludicrous misconception of ideology.

It seems to have completely escaped Buchanan’s notice that many men call themselves feminists and that we have no reason to hate such men nor inclination to accuse them of crimes they didn’t commit. Or perhaps he genuinely believed that people wouldn’t see past this guise of victimization to the gnawing inferiority complex that spurs him to lash out senselessly at over half the world’s population, vainly hoping to gain a sense of superiority through his oppression of women.

Either way, my exposure of his insidious scheming, should he read it, could be liable to earn me one of his ‘Lying Feminist of the Month’ awards. And since this could only mean that I’d successfully undermined the flaky shambles of his arguments, revealing them for the laughable, bigoted nonsense that they are, I’d accept it with pride.

[Kathy Carr]

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