Would Like to Meet – The Lecture Encounter: Monster Munch, mascara, and the hunt for “peen”

In the summer before I arrived at this fine institution, I remember my work colleague shooting me a look of envy. “You know you’re actually going to be SWAMPED in peen when you get there?” she sighed. “I’m sorry?” I replied, quite alarmed by her claim (swamped by it? What actually is ‘peen’ by the way? They certainly didn’t mention that anywhere in the Freshers’ Guide…)

Her eyes have glazed over a bit. I thought I might have actually lost her for a second before she delivers her weighty, thoughtful reply. “You know…you’ll get LOADS of attention from lads. You’re not bad-looking, which will definitely help you, but nobody really cares what you look like when you get there. Like, peen is everywhere you go. It’s standard uni practice”.

Thus far at uni however, I’ve been less acquainted with “peen” and more so with “laptop screen” since standard uni practice has generally consisted of nights in with Netflix and Monster Munch. Occasionally I’ll have a drunk snog on the Qudos dance floor when it all gets too much and Messybombs really are the only answer, but that’s about as MTV as it gets with me, I’m afraid. But I do reflect on that exchange two years later and it occurs to me; I am actually yet to meet anyone of note in a lecture theatre, tutorial or seminar. So while this column has seen me venture elsewhere to seek some kind of dating tale to tell, I’ve never looked right here on my own figurative doorstep.

I decide this has to come to an end.

I am going to be assertive and find a fella in an actual lecture theatre, where I can only assume there must be actual peen waiting to swamp me – or at the very least, just a boy to have a nice chat with. It can’t be that hard, can it?

It gets off to a bad start, though. I don’t know about you, but when I turn up for my 10am lecture (an occasion I shamefully admit is becoming less regular…), I don’t exactly look like the very best, polished version of myself. Because it’s Glasgow and I’ve seemingly learnt absolutely nothing, it snowed on the way to the Charles Wilson building and consequently I look a bit like a seal with some smudged lipstick.

So it looks like I’ll have to rely on some good old fashioned chat instead of my er, devastating good looks. I walk in and plonk myself down next to the nearest male, hoping I don’t devastate him with my unsightly appearance. “Hi there!” I exclaim possibly a bit too breezily for first thing on a Wednesday. I’ve not played it very cool there. To my surprise, he responds quite enthusiastically with a pretty pleasant greeting himself. “Get caught out in the snow, eh?” he adds, eyeing up the mascara that’s run down to my chin. Er, yup. Hope he likes seals or something.

The conversation doesn’t wane after this. It goes on for quite a few minutes actually. It’s fairly relaxed and not weird or anything, too. I think we might even be getting on. Wow, this is so easy! I’ve just met a boy in a lecture! And he’s even nice, which is totally a plus! LOVE IT!

Although the lecturer’s talking now so things have to slow down a bit, I find myself wondering how things might actually escalate from here. Do we talk when the lecture finishes or do I just saunter back off and simply hope we meet again? And Christ, what’s this – I’ve just noticed he’s wearing sports kit, too. Oh, we all know what that means. I see it all now. This boy will spend half of his time in Viper and the other half on some ungodly football field while I’ll be stuck back in the flat still watching Netflix and eating Monster Munch and then next thing you know he’ll be copping off with some leggy girl in tennis whites and errrr, who’ll be the one left with no peen to be swamped by?

No, I don’t think this is could possibly work out. How could he do that to me?! I think he might actually be a prick.

The lecture ends, just as I start thinking about the night out I’ll go on when he runs off with the girl with better glutes than me. Kokomo or Catty? “Well, there’s another hour of my life wasted!” my old friend laughs. “Have a nice day!” He picks up his bag and walks out of the lecture theatre. I’ve not seen him again since. The hunt for “peen” continues.

[Floraidh Clement – @FloradihCC]

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