You may be dealing with feelings of shame, Aries, following an embarrassing alcohol-induced incident from over the holiday period. The solution? Get drunk and do something even more ridiculous. Repeat ad infinitum. Embrace your new lifestyle, challenge yourself, push boundaries – you’re capable of anything, you drunken mess.
It’s in your best interests to stay away from all dairy-based produce this month, Taurus – the cows have been talking, and they think you’re a bit of a dickhead. Best err on the side of caution; you don’t know what they might have been plotting.
Treat yourself to a nice romantic dinner for two this month, Gemini. Make it special – pick a nice restaurant, open a bottle of wine, maybe two! Self-love is important, and your other personality might be feeling a bit neglected – two faces are only better than one if you remember to indulge them both.
January is the perfect time to finally make a start on that project you’ve been thinking about after all this time, Cancer. You just need to sit down, clear your mind, and take a methodological, organised approach. Make a list, set yourself achievable goals, and ignore the cold embrace of the void as it gently tries to lure you in. Don’t forget to use different colours of highlighters to organise your work!
Mercury is in retrograde, Leo, so you have the perfect Get Out Of Jail Free card for when your friends and family ask you why you’re still gorging on Christmas chocolate and haven’t left your pyjamas in five days. Go on, stay in bed, watch another episode – it’s not you, it’s the stars.
If you start hearing voices or receiving strange messages in your dreams, do not panic. Remember that cat that you passed on the street the other day? Well he liked you too; he was just shy. And now, he’s making his feelings known, in the only way cats know how – through mind control. Resistance is futile, Virgo. Mittens is in control now.
You value balance in your life, Libra – if you approach 2016 with a positive attitude and strong will, you’ll maybe be able to balance your classes, coursework, exams, your part-time job, extra-curricular activities, a social life, your love life, a healthy diet, regular exercise, your finances, household chores, and of course some time to yourself. Maybe.
Why not make 2016 the year you reinvent yourself, Scorpio? Maybe change your hair; try out some of this year’s new fashions; perhaps summon Lucifer himself and allow him to occupy your mortal body and claim your soul once and for all. New year, new you!
There’s a big world out there, Sagittarius, do not limit yourself to your immediate surroundings. Travel! Book a spontaneous cheap weekend away. Save up some money and organise a trip to a far away land. Hurl your limp, lifeless body with great velocity into space and towards the sun. All that matters is that you travel.
2015 may have been one of your most difficult years yet, Capricorn, and you deserve a break. Step back from your responsibilities for a while, take some time out to look after yourself, figure out exactly what it is that you want and pursue it. Unless what you want is financial security, a fulfilling romantic relationship, a graduate job related to your degree, or to be taken seriously by your peers. Come on now, be a bit more realistic.
Things are beginning to heat up in your love life, Aquarius. Whoever is on the receiving end of your desires may begin to warm to you, resulting in a romantic encounter filled with fiery passion. Or maybe just fire. Oh shitting hell, they’re literally on fire. Sorry, my bad. Someone should probably call an ambulance though.
Pisces is the fish, yeah? You’ll, uhhh… Hmm. Something about an aquarium? Yeah. Or maybe seafood. You’ll eat a prawn? No, you’ll become a prawn. Whilst visiting an aquarium. Yeah, that’ll do. Sorry kid, I don’t decide the fortunes – it’s all in the stars.