“Dear Qmunicate… This might be a bit weird, but here goes. I’ve been dating a guy for over two months now and he’s absolutely lovely – the chat flows, the dates are great – but the sex isn’t! I’m initiating every move and doing all the work, but he doesn’t give anything back! I want to be more assertive by asking for what I want but I’m afraid that I’ll turn him off. How do I begin asking for more without sounding needy?” – Girl Gasping for a ‘Gasm
Nothing breaks my heart quite like hearing about a girl who’s being disappointed in the bedroom department. It’s no secret that female sexuality is still considered somewhat taboo, with women constantly being shamed for taking ownership of their bodies and their sexuality. It can be difficult not to internalise these beliefs, leading us to think that our desires for fulfilling sex lives are ‘weird’ or us being ‘needy’ – please believe me when I say you are neither of these things! In every other aspect of a relationship, mutual satisfaction is vital; if you were to constantly go to his favourite restaurants instead of your own, or shower him in compliments but never have them reciprocated, you’d most likely get sick of it and leave. But when it comes to sex, girls too often settle for less, with sex ending at his orgasm whilst she fakes her own to make sure he doesn’t realise how incompetent he truly is (sorry lads).
Because of this culture, trying to get what you want out of sex as a girl can be a difficult field to navigate. Confidence is key, both in knowing what you want from sex and also in being able to articulate that to your partner. It’s also important to consider your fella’s position in all of this – how much experience does he have? How easy is it for him to talk about sex? Does he enjoy being in control or having you taking the reigns? All of these will impact on how easy it’s going to be to approach the matter with him.
The good news is that most guys, if they’re worth keeping around, will want to make sure you’re getting off and enjoying your sexy times; they just might be a bit clueless as to how to go about ensuring this. If you’re worried about turning him off though, you needn’t worry – confidence is not only key, but also often a big turn on for guys too. And think about it – do you really want to be with a guy who’s turned off by you wanting good sex?
First of all, figure out what it is that you want from him in bed. Be specific – whether it’s more foreplay, shifting the power dynamics or being a wee bit more experimental and getting 50 shades of freaky, you need to be clear on what it is you want from him before he can give it a go. Secondly, if you’re pretending to enjoy yourself during sex so he doesn’t feel bad, stop. Because if he thinks he’s doing a good job, nothing is going to change. No more faking it, no more telling him something feels good if it doesn’t, no more prioritising his ego over your orgasm. This is a sexual revolution, and it goes by the name of Honesty. Instead, give him direction and subtle cues – tell him what feels good, what you think he should do next, what positions you think would be fun. And if you’re not feeling it, tell him – sometimes all it takes is a bit of guidance.
If he’s still not getting it and you still find yourself giving your all and getting nothing back, then it might just take some good old fashioned tough love. If you’ve tried taking the lead and guiding him but to no avail, don’t be afraid to be assertive, or tell him how you feel – remind him that you really like him and that every other aspect of the relationship is great, but that you want more from your sex life. Ask him what he likes and if there’s anything he wants to try as well, and make it a learning curve for you both. Ultimately, talking about it is going to improve sex for both of you, so it’s in his interests to listen to what you want.
And if after everything you’re still not seeing an improvement? Unidays offer a 20% student discount at Ann Summers. A vibrator might not offer you a warm embrace post-coitus or make you breakfast the next morning, but at least it’ll get the job done.
[Hannah Burke – @hannahcburke_]