Gwenyth Paltrow graciously offers us, the ignorant masses, her guide to an immaculate lifestyle
With the doom-laden news we witness every day on our holographic transmitters – news of ISIS, terrorism, processed dairy, war and the like – I am encouraged more than ever to really put my foot down and fight, not just the ISIS of Liberia, but the ISIS of our mental minds. Stress, depression, and anxiety: these things are conscious decisions we allow ourselves (and each other) to make, but I make them no longer: with these tools of my making. My tools will help you tool yourself to forego poor mental decisions due to a lack of my tools, as I tool you up with my ready-made mental tools of strong mental decision-making, through my tools.
It’s all about balance. A lot of people mistakenly associate stress with negativity. But if stress were unnatural, why would our bodies, the true Court of Natural Force, allow it? What’s natural is always what’s right. When I feel a bout of stress coming on, I actively seek out an antenna through which to strengthen this natural occurrence.
Just last week I was preparing for my evening wind-down when I took a sip of my juiced Jerusalem artichoke (grown in the Convent the village over to ensure they taste of kindness and sacrifice) and instantly recognised that the ratio of clockwise to counter clockwise stirs was disproportionate. I felt nauseous. The balance of my evenings had, through no fault of my own, been hijacked – and it was not a mere physical hijacking, this was an invasive takeover of my mental state.
Fortunately I have long possessed the mental tools to embrace stress in a meaningful and spiritually fulfilling manner: as Maya Angelou says, “We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.” I called the maid responsible, Gwendoline, to my chamber and met her calmly beneath the marble arch doorway. “Gretchen,” I said, “My evening wind-down has been hijacked by your actions. I need you to feel the stress this has inflicted upon me. Hold eye contact with me and let us become one.” Unblinkingly, Gertrude and I melded together. In our mental states during those moments my pain became our pain, my rage became our rage, and after forty-six minutes I commanded her to be released from my gaze and returned this faithful maid to her duties editing my DVD collection to remove garish screen colours. Gladys has not caused me anguish like that since.
Oftentimes I receive letters from the brave women of the proletariat asking my advice on how to ensure they can ‘have it all’, advice I am always glad to hand down. The answer, you’ll be grateful to hear, is really very simple: learn to say no. Next time your office director requests extra hours of productivity, or is pushing for more from you, raise your palm to his eyeline and simply utter “No.” One word. One syllable. Language and palm-speak are among our most valuable assets as modern women. Inform your boss that his task lists are a drain on your spiritual energy, remind him that inconveniences encroach on your aura. Or better yet: say nothing. Explanations are for my children when I catch them looking in the direction of cho***ate snacks. As autonomous pursuers of zen we owe the world nothing: ignore everything and anything your boss might say, get up and leave, have some ‘me’ time. Your appointments can take care of themselves, everything happens for a reason.
These tools of mine, it must be stressed, are useless without the right lifestyle. Follow in my footsteps by eating whatever meals you want, so long as they do not contain meat or additives or dairy or peppermint or bread or vitamin supplements or the extract of a vegetable that has known sadness in its life. Drink two teaspoons of chilled coconut water a day, and ensure that you take the time out of your nanny’s schedule to have the children hold back your eyelids as you stare in to the sun in order to gain that fresh, revitalised look. If you haven’t achieved four difficult tasks by dinnertime, you may as well be dead or, worse, obese. Pushing oneself and one’s staff is the only path to self-development and to a healthy mind, body and soul – like mine’s.