Aries – Love is in the air this coming Valentine’s day! But not for you. You will buy a cat. And that cat will plot against you. Keep an eye on your back and avoid suspicious looking catnip.
Taurus – Things have been going unfairly in your life and it’s time to take charge. Put on that black cape and mask and crusade your troubles away! Push those library deskhogs out the way, rip those deadlines out of existence, kick those people who walk far too slow and yet still choose to take up the whole pavement. Who cares, you can get away with anything, BECAUSE YOU’RE BATMAN!
Gemini – Exciting career prospects will arise for you this month! Unless you are an Arts student, in which case you are forever screwed. Sorry.
Cancer – All your dreams come true! You will fall from a great height, lose all your teeth, and stand up in class only to discover you’ve forgotten your trousers. It’s going to be a tough month for you.
Leo – Feeling restless, you will take a day trip. While walking through the long grass of an abandoned field you come across a Venusaur. You have only brought your Jigglypuff and therefore will inevitably lose for having such a stupid Pokémon. Make better life choices.
Virgo – You may meet someone new. Or you may not. How should I know? What am I a mysti- oh crap.
Libra – While drunkenly meandering your way to 727 for some chips and cheese, you will come across an empty Buckfast bottle. If you rub that bottle, a Weegie genie will appear and threaten you grant him three wishes or he’ll “pure stab ye fucksake”. Best stay away from Buckfast this month.
Scorpio – Feeling productive, you decide to finally put that pile of £100 textbooks to good use. You make a fort. It’s a damn good fort, be proud of that fort.
Sagittarius – The mystic connectivity signal seems to be a bit temperamental with you, Sagittarius. You’re either going to give in to sin, or live in a bin… either way, follow your heart!
Capricorn – Being the sign of a weird goat-mermaid hybrid has always placed you on the odder side of the personality spectrum. An indecisive wee lamb, you always find yourself swimming away from responsibilities and head butting strangers in the street. It’s time to get a grip on your life. Choose your path and follow with confidence! And maybe stop with the head butting… people are starting to talk.
Aquarius – You’re going to find yourself facing quite a few deadlines this month. Stressed by your increasing pile of work, you’ll start binge eating. Soon you’ll eat yourself into debt and your only form of exercise will be the ab workout you get while you cry yourself to sleep at night. Oh wait, this is true for everyone. Ah well, looks like a fairly average month for you then.
Pisces – This month you officially give up on being a human, instead you choose to live your life as a pigeon. You’ll join the Partick pigeon gang but will soon be kicked out over a political dispute about crapping territories. Don’t let them rain on your parade, be a free bird, crap on whoever you want!