Aries – Your birthday is coming up fast so it might be time to focus on you. Go out, get your hair done, grab a coffee. But try not to spill it all down your front when that cute person from your lecture walks past, everyone saw and they were embarrassed for you.
Taurus – You will face new challenges this month and I believe you have the passion and motivation to tackle them head on. I believe in you, boo.
Gemini – I sense you are feeling lonely lately, but not to worry you still have your second face to keep you company ☺
Cancer – You’ve not had a huge amount of luck in love lately, but things should start to look up… for other people who aren’t you. It’s unfortunate but hey ho, you still have friends, right? Oh wait. Your friends will betray you soon. Sorry.
Leo – this month is the month for prosperity. You will go to Viper, you will spend £30 on tequila and you will go home and drunkenly buy those shoes you’ve been lusting after for months online. Prosperity is short-lived. You will have no money, but you’ll have really nice shoes so who’s the real winner here?
Virgo – all of your hopes and dreams will come to fruition, you will have all you ever wished for. Who am I kidding? March will be just as shit as February was.
Libra – a new person will come into your life soon. They’ll be a real dick. Don’t pay attention to them, there’s a person you’ve always had by your side that’s really nice. Give them a hug.
Scorpio – you’ll achieve a new level of glam this month. You is kind, you is smart, you is important.
Sagittarius – you will pet many dogs this month. March will treat you well.
Capricorn – sounds kinda like unicorn. I dunno maybe you’ll be sparkly or some shit.
Aquarius – you’ll be trampled by a Hippogriff.
Pisces – I see a glimmer of hope for you in the future. Oh wait, that’s just the light from your laptop as you binge eat and watch Netflix.