Aries – Don’t let your problems grind you down. Let them whittle you into a superior, more beautiful being.
Taurus – Pet a dog and you will find true happiness. Unless you hate dogs, which means you don’t deserve happiness. You monster.
Gemini – When you’re embarrassed that people will think your Netflix queue is terrible, they’re right. Barbie in the Dreamhouse is far better quality than Daredevil. Get with the programme, Gemini.
Cancer – Do that thing you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t because you were scared. Do it – become a meme!
Leo – Cheer up, it’s not all doom and gloom! It’s also abject terror!
Virgo – This month perhaps, I don’t know, being more decisive??? Maybe, I’m not sure though.
Libra – You know that stranger you passed on the street that you felt an inexplicable, intimate connection to? Yeah that’s you in a future life. I know, I’m sorry too.
Scorpio – Those weird habits that you’re embarrassed about? Don’t worry, everybody does that. Everybody screams into their flatmate’s mugs at 4am.
Sagittarius – The world is going to be extra annoying this month Sagittarius. Maybe carry a scooshy around with you and scoosh anyone who goes too far. If you can’t train your friends, who can you train?
Capricorn – This month will be a time of learning. Mostly because you didn’t attend any lectures and are now attempting to learn a whole course in 4 hours.
Aquarius – You will meet someone tall, dark and handsome. You will also meet someone small, light and ugly. You’re going to meet lots of people. They’re coming.
Pisces – If you keep using Andrex washlets to take your eyeliner off, Saturn will fall out of orbit and untold chaos will reign in the solar system. Just keep it on for days at a time like the rest of us!