qmunicate’s resident mystic is back with her predictions for the following month – it might be exam season, but don’t forget that your fate ultimately lies with the stars.
Things are going to look brighter for you this month, Aries. This is because the Northern Hemisphere is now tilted towards the sun, but why not make the most of it. Play Frisbee in the park. Wear sunglasses. Head to the beach with a very big coat on. Go wild.
It’s your Birthday! Be sure to budget this month for an obscene about of jägerbombs and entry to Subby. Because it’s time to get crunk.
April showers bring June flowers. April snow can get tae fuck. Stay in bed.
You’re feeling a little ‘crabby’ this month (haha, geddit?*) Make sure to make time for self-care; paint your toenails, take a nice hot bath, bake a cake, watch Pixar films and eat ice-cream. Remember to put your happiness first. *[ed. – audible sigh]
You will meet a tall, dark stranger this month. They will reply to all your texts with ‘haha, and then what ;-)” and you’ll remember that boys are shit.
You’re going to be fab as fuck this month, Virgo. Get ready to serve some looks and turn some heads.
There are going to be new challenges ahead of you this month, but remember that your pals will always have your back.
May’s just going to be a bit shit for you, Scorpio. Not for any particular reason though; sorry. Power through.
Keep an eye out for snakes this month. Stay away from long grass and dodgy pals.
There’s an existential crisis looming over you this month. Embrace the void. Stare into the abyss and watch it stare back. Make new friends. Become best pals with the abyss.
Summer is here! In theory. In reality it’s going to be as cold as your icy, black heart.
You will face your greatest challenge yet. Will you rise to the occasion? Probably not, your bed is very comfy.