[qmunicuts] – The Column That Talks Shit About China To Its Face

A man was punched in the face on the New York subway for looking a lot like Shia Labeouf. The perplexed victim guessed at the motive for the attack “Did he just see his last performance art piece?”

Poundland has broadened their merchandise, extending their range of vibrators. The Bullet comes in a handy package with gel and wet wipes, and with a strict no returns policy. One shopper expressed her delight at the news, saying “It really fills a hole in the marketplace.”

It has emerged that David Cameron created a slideshow designed to woo German chancellor Angela Merkel in 2012– by showing pictures of the two leaders hugging. The gesture didn’t quite go as planned, with Merkel responding “You keep putting yourself up as an opponent and we all hate you.” Who ever said romance was dead?

A new musical is opening in Poland next year, based on the life of Pope John Paul II. The show will cover the whole of his life, including “a teenage version of the pope dressed in a t-shirt and shorts.” Saucy.

An Ivy League professor was escorted off an American Airlines flight for writing “suspicious” notes – which turned out to be algebra. Upon this discovery he was arrested for being really boring.

Kilmarnock FC have terminated their contract with the bakers behind the famous “Killie Pie” over legal naming disputes. The next week they were stunned to find that only one spectator turned up, a vegetarian.

A sex doll mistaken for an angel found floating off the coast of Indonesia has been confiscated by police. The whereabouts of the doll are currently unknown.

A failed car thief has been mocked by police online for leaving behind his crisps at the crime scene. A hostage situation then followed, with the police promising to return the crisps then cruelly scoffing them.

Michelle Mone made a bit of a tit of herself when she picked up a child at a conference in Vietnam, only to discover that he was in fact a 46-year old man. Her suspicions were aroused when she noticed his yellow nicotine-stained teeth, grey hair and pension pot.

A study on everyday foods has discovered that cheese is as addictive as hard drugs, due to a chemical called casein which is found in both.  This comes as no surprise to the criminal gangs selling black-market brie.

[Louise Wylie – @WomanPendulum]

Image: The Independent

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