Now that the height of the summer is over and we’re about to descend back into the gloom of the rest of the Scottish year with an unsatisfactory thud, it’s time for a more realistic, pragmatic approach to astrology. Mags isn’t feeling quite herself recently, so she’s enlisted some friends to write her section for her. Pay close attention.
You may be abruptly woken from your sleep at 3.31am on Thursdays and 5.41am every second Sunday this month by a series of loud cracks and bangs from your roof. Do not worry. Stay in bed. Maybe doze off by getting through a bit of that new Richard and Judy’s Book Club novel – reading is for the mind what exercise is for the body!
Your new textbooks for the upcoming semester will most likely arrive smelling vaguely metallic and heavily censored on nearly every page. Remain calm. Think of it this way: with such few studying hours, how much more time are you now going to have to attend rock concerts, consume carbonated liquids and watch Glee with all your friends and acquaintances? Academic censorship is any modern 18-25 year-old’s blessing.
Uranus is in retrograde for you, Aries, and this means your chances of extra-terrestrial abduction are increased threefold this month. Be vigilant at all times, but remember, it might never happen!
If you choose not to vote in the next election and subsequently notice a surplus of £400-500 in your bank account, it’s best not to notify any friends, acquaintances, or especially any relevant authorities – who wants to be inside looking at boring numbers and figures when you can be out enjoying the summer sun?
Due to your wonderful trusting nature, you will put your life in the hands of others this month, especially any tall men in dark suits and glasses you may meet. It is for the good of yourself and your family.
You’re in luck! You won’t need to brush your teeth at all this month. Drinking a large amount of water from your kitchen tap in the mornings and evenings will do the trick. You’ll have the brightest smile in town.
If everybody invited to your birthday celebrations fails to turn up to the venue, and you hear nothing from them until 21 days later they reappear into your life with only minimal personality changes, do not be alarmed. Best not to bring the subject up with anyone. Next year’s birthday will be even better!
On the twenty-fourth day of this month, you shouldn’t look up at the sky between the hours of 10pm and midnight. How about using this time to phone a family member you haven’t spoken to in a long time? They’ll really appreciate it.
If you happen across a horoscope this month, you are advised to distribute copies among all friends, family and colleagues you would think to telephone in the event of a cataclysmic natural, nuclear or economic disaster. You can never be too careful! The stars never lie.
The country has recently fallen into an unprecedented paper crisis. Reserves are far too low to continue printing tabloid newspapers, government-approved pamphlets, D.C. Thomson comics, and other publications on which the population relies. You could start by removing the sticker unnecessarily placed over your laptop’s webcam and depositing it in your nearest recycling bin. Every little helps!
Money matters should be going well for you now, Sagittarius, so this month you might decide to make a long-desired expenditure for your home. You might decide to buy some new furniture, do some redecorating, or even purchase an array of CCTV cameras to improve the security of your home. Make sure you train them on the most vulnerable spots in your house, like your computer, since that’s where criminals are most likely to strike, especially around the holiday season.
Pluto is in retrograde for you this month. For a true astronomer’s experience on the twenty-seventh day of the month, put on noise-cancelling ear defenders, go to your bedroom window and keep your eyes fixed on the sky from the hours of 4pm-7pm to catch a glimpse of the dwarf planet! Do not turn around.
[Mystic Queen Mags has been placed on holiday. Do not attempt to make contact with her. She will return in due course.]