From Monday’s Freshers’ Zine: Freshers’ Week Horoscopes

Our resident fortune teller Mystic Queen Mags is here to give you an insight into your week ahead, and let you know what Freshers’ Week has in store for you. Remember, the stars never lie…



You find yourself drawn to a handsome stranger on the dance floor of Qudos during the Freshers’ Ball. Dressed up to the nines and feeling confident, you approach them, armed with your best chat and winning smile. They turn to you, the lights illuminating their sculpted physique and piercing blue eyes, and go on to introduce themselves. However, all that comes out is a series of soulless beeps. Of course, they’re a robot – no human being is that perfect. You settle for the guy with the sweaty brow and pizza stains down his shirt instead.


It’s said you’re as stubborn as a bull, which is no word of a lie. Once the UV foam party is over and everyone begins to leave, you hang around outside the building, refusing to be moved and chanting until your lungs give out. You’re still there the next morning. And the next. This is your home now. You sleep under the ramp.


Walking home in the pissing rain, you curse Glasgow for living up to every one of its weather stereotypes. “I should have gone to fucking Exeter”, you mutter under your breath. The Glaswegian gods heard you though, and now they’re pissed. They send unrelenting rain for the remainder of your time at uni – now look what you’ve done.


As Kristian Nairn takes the stage, a strange feeling washes over you. You feel like you’ve been here before, almost like you’re experiencing two different points in your life simultaneously. As the chanting begins, the feeling overwhelms you. “HOLD THE DOOR! HOLD THE DOOR!” You’re writhing on the ground, the chanting becoming fainter and less defined. “HOLTHEDOOR…HOLEHDOOR…HOLDOOR…HODOR…HODOR…”


A diet of beer, Domino’s pizza, and Amber Leaf has left you feeling less than fresh, but have no fear! DJ Fresh is here on Tuesday to get you feeling like the freshest fresher there ever was, with hits like Fresh Dust, Fresh Right Now, and How Fresh Begins. Fresh.


Unwilling to let go of their little one just yet, your parents have decided to go to uni as well. You find them in Jim’s Bar, killing it on karaoke. Everyone’s cheering them on. They have more friends than you.


You find a cryptic note scrawled on the back of your t-shirt from the White T-Shirt Party, reading “meet me at midnight by the stone vagina”. You find another note wedged inside its clitoris.

“Yer da voted for Brexit and listens to little mix”.


You get so drunk that you scrawl pentagrams on the floor of Jim’s. You murmur the ancient words, and Mephistopheles appears from the blazes of hell with a six-pack of Tennent’s and two Pepperoni Pizzas. Satanism has never been so rad.


You keep ending up in places you don’t belong. Why did you wander into the Fifa gaming tournament when you can’t even hit a real football properly? How come you found yourself on stage at the Open Mic Session in Jim’s when really the only one that’s supposed to hear you sing is your shower curtain? Maybe the stars are giving you an indication of all the new things you’re going to learn and experience at uni. Maybe you just like to embarrass yourself.


Don’t you feel like there are too many people around? sometimes you wish everyone would just shut up for a while. Don’t worry, they will. It’s quite hard to talk when everyone’s got a headphone shoved over their head, right? At the Headphone Disco you’re so happy you could dance all night. And you do.


My dear Aquarius, why do you always think you know everything? India is not the country where they drink the most tea, it’s good ol’ Ireland – like everyone else in your team said. You could’ve won the £200 cash prize at the Big Wednesday Night Pub Quiz but now all you’re left with is angry team members and well… nothing else really.


While all your flatmates are out partying all week, you’re in bed and keep throwing up without having even had a drop of alcohol to drink. Poor you, it’s Freshers’ Flu. You should’ve listened to your parents and eaten more fruit and veggies.

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