Deadlines are over. Essays have been handed in, midterms submitted. What are you going to do now, with all your free time? Mostly lie in bed and eat crisps while watching RuPaul’s Drag Race, if last year was anything to go by.
The result of this year’s Great British Bake Off will shake you to your core. “I don’t even watch it”, you say, but it doesn’t matter. It has shaken all of us. Nothing will ever be the same.
On bonfire night, beware of condescending men in Guy Fawkes masks trying to tell you about libertarianism. Remind them that V for Vendetta is a good film but a very heavy-handed political allegory.
Halloween is nearly over, but you still have your fair share of ghosts; the kind that suddenly stop replying to your texts after what you thought was a very nice date. Your love life may need an exorcism – by which I mean you should delete tinder.
This Samhain, the pagan gods must have a sacrifice. You choose: grades, social life, or sleep?
Have you done your Christmas shopping yet? You rifle through your wallet, your coat pockets, the very bottom of your overdraft. You have £6.22 to your name. Your mum and dad will be getting a single pair of socks between them this year.
The sesh calls you. You do not want to hear it, but it is no use. From the dark bowels of the night, howling, the sesh calls. You must answer. You must go.
You stare at your exam timetable in disbelief. “Three exams in one day? But that’s impossible! There must be some mistake!” Far away, in university gardens, you hear the faint sound of all your lecturers, cackling in unison.
Your days are about to get darker. That’s not a metaphor, by the way – it gets dark at 4pm here in the winter.
Your breath comes out in clouds. You are wearing three jumpers and a coat indoors. You can no longer feel your hands. Still, you refuse to put the heating on. “It’s very expensive” you say, as hoarfrost slowly forms in your kitchen. You are developing frostbite. “To be honest, It’s not even that cold”
Christmas is coming – it’s time to get glittery. Shiny eyeshadow, shiny nailpolish, sequins, glitter. Fight the disco ball in O2 ABC and emerge victorious, The Shiniest Of Them All.
Even if you’re not American, it’s time to be thankful. Appreciate functioning organs. Appreciate living on a planet orbiting at the right distance from its host star to sustain liquid water. Appreciate dogs.
[Mystic Queen Mags]