Queen Mags is back with her predictions for November, and it looks like deadline season is affecting her mental stability too. Read on to find out more…
This November, the weather is pleasant, the ground dry and cold and the air’s crisp. You head to Kelvingrove park to see all the dogs walking around. However, there’s no dogs to be seen. None. You walk around furiously, visiting Park Circus, passing the fountain, even spotting squirrels but there’s still no dogs. Panic sets in, and you become possessed by this desire to see a dog. Googling pictures of dogs brings zero results. Nada.
‘Did you mean ‘cats’?’ Google ponders.
Paranoia has begun now, your mouth’s dry as you sit on a bench beside the fountain, close your eyes, and try to picture a dog, any dog would be a comfort. Jigsaw pieces of images flicker through your mind… velvety fur, thin narrow tail, delicate whiskers, soft purring… Holy Shit. Your mind collapses and you are plunged into full panic, there’s no cats in Kelvingrove park! All you wanted to see was lovely cats barking at other cats whilst chasing balls and jumping in leaves. You begin to relax. Dogs have fell off the face of their earth, an unknown being has erased their existence. Ah well, Aries, guess you’ll have to go catspotting.
This month you’ll head out to Glasgow’s ‘best LGBTQ+ club’ Polo. You’ll finally get past the bouncers, breathing a sigh of relief as you’ve not been straight profiled. A cherry on top of the cake on this night out is the DJ plays your request of Whitney’s hit, ‘How Will I Know’ and it’s an absolute belter. The floor is literally melting.
Righty ho, Gemini, looks like your month will be fantastic as you’ve got so much lined up- (uhhh seriously?! Not this horoscope shit again)… Okay… don’t know who that was but we’ll just ignore it… so, plans for Gemini! Well, you’ll have a secret admirer this month- (What?! Do you pull this stuff out a hat or something? Is there is a course online that you take? A secret admirer, how original)… Well I don’t know who you are but these are the stars’ predictions for Gemini, so I’m only telling it like they say- (Yeah, sure you are. Next thing you’re going to tell me this isn’t all made up right? Of course it is. I bet you’re sitting in a café right now coming up with this bollocks, Mags)… Look, I don’t know who you are but this isn’t made up. I’ve worked hard to connect to the stars, find out what planets are in retrograde, I’ve taken time out my own studies to get this done – Gemini has a secret admirer! (Yeah. And his name’s Edward Snowden. Your eyes will meet across the dancefloor at Hive and he’ll take you on your first date to Café 22 at the QMU. There Mags, it’s done. Enjoy your November. Love Gemini’s Other).
The stars have WhatsApped me this photo. Please appreciate its irony:
This month’s looking great for you too, Leo, so you head out with the lads to the beer bar for a massive #sesh. You’re wrecked and you’re having such a great time, taking your shirt off and banging on the ceiling. ‘Everyone get down to the GUU. It’s literally gonna take off!’ you post on YikYak. You spot a couple of fitties sitting in the corner, mulling over their drinks. ‘Alright ladies?! How’s it going?’ you drawl, knowing they’ll be melting over your cool façade, not realising your bare chest with a dick drawn on it in permanent marker from your hilarious best pal Archie makes you look like the world’s biggest twat.
Oh dear. The stars seem to have forgotten about you, Virgo. They haven’t sent any predictions this month. But it’s okay, just read Libra’s instead. Is anyone a Virgo really?
You’ll wake up one morning in November to find that your voice has broken. Your accent has become thicker, deeper and you find yourself pronouncing words through your nose. What has happened? There’s no teutcher twang, no Glasgow shrill, nothing to note where you’re from in Scotland.
You’ve woken up with a Glasgow Uni accent.
Ha! Scorpio, nothing in the universe for you, you piece of shit. I bet you’re the kind of person to hog a desk in the library. Sit on a four seater on a packed train, basking in your lonesomeness. Yeah, that’s you. Always wanting to pay for your part of the bill, never split it equally. You remind your pal that they still owe you the 30p you lent them for that drink on Halloween. Yeah, that’s you Scorpio. A stingy bastard.
Jesus, Sagittarius, your symbol is a centaur shooting a bow from an arrow, how cool is that? I’ve always thought that was really cool. That’s some Harry Potter shit right there. You have a great month, Sagittarius.
Phew! You can relax, deadlines have passed and you’ve submitted your essays in time. Whilst enjoying a cup of hot bean water from the Fraser building, a handwritten note has been passed to you and in your haste to finish that controversial Glasgow Guardian article, you miss the messenger’s identity.
‘You have been summoned to level 12 of the library. Come as soon as possible.’
Numerous symbols and codes have piqued your interest. The note looks like the cover of Bon Iver’s latest release.
You arrive at level 12 of the library and walk down the lonely corridor. Lights are flickering and as you turn the corner there appears to be a shadowy figure reciting some unknown language as you approach. He’s maybe reciting 666t. It’s my favourite off the album, you think.
The figure notices you. It makes a soft hiss as you sit down on the seat opposite. It stops its unintelligble mantra.
‘I EXPECTED YOU TO BE HERE RIGHT AWAY, BUT THAT REVOLVING DOOR IS A NIGHTMARE. YOU ARE FORGIVEN.DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!’ The figure breathes.
You offer him a tiny shake of your head.
‘I AM URKUND!!’ The figure shrieks. ‘AND YOU, STUDENT, HAVE ACHIEVED AN 89% PLAGIARISM SCORE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!’
‘uhh, my score was only 7% actually,’ you retaliate as you wipe the being’s spit off your cheek.
‘OH, SHIT. ARE YOU NOT STUDENT 2084408?’
‘No, sorry’, you shrug.
‘AH. OKAY…’ the being reclines on its chair and you hear its slow creek. ‘COULD YOU PASS ON A NOTE FOR ME?!’
Metronomy appears in your recommended Spotify playlist. You pause the qmunicate Spotify playlist that you were hooked on. Their hit single, ‘Aquarius’ starts to play and you’re mesmerised by the lyrics:
‘Just one fight and just one anniversary
So I never thought you’d be the one to up and leave
You said our love was written in the stars
But I never paid attention to my charms
And now I see how quick you must want to forget
‘Cause you left the ring I bought you with your cigarettes
Well I can finish up if you don’t want them
And I can take the ring back where I got it from.’
Remember, remember the 5th of November – nose powder, no reason and shots. That’s how it goes isn’t it? Anyway, have a great bonfire night Pisces!