If you’re wanting to keep that new beau of yours, you’re going to need to follow these top tips. Can’t let that 2D personality illusion shatter – wouldn’t want them thinking you were human now, would we?
1. Disagree with them
Dating is about pressing your body up against theirs and causing enough friction that eventually your separate matter morphs into one big Cronenberg style blob, but they’ll only let you do so if you agree with every little thing they say to show just how compatible you are. “Oh, you think Clinton is worse than Trump? Haha, me too, man; now come over here and let me melt into your backbone, because I seem to have misplaced my own.”
Just, shh. It’s okay. Sit perfectly still, you’re doing great. Don’t talk, in case you let slip that you have a personality. Don’t let your body make any sounds – the might figure out you’re a human that has a functioning digestion process. In fact, just don’t breathe – you are powered by fake smiles and the desperate need to be accepted. That’s it.
3. Talk about the future
What future? The future doesn’t exist; it’s just a concept made up to impart existential dread and mind numbing anxiety. You have no plans except to please them right now, and if they want to fling you away the next week, it’s still okay.
4. Not be chill
Just relaaax. They haven’t text you back in a week? No problemo. They constantly talk about their exes in front of you? Not an issue. They think the mole people will rise again to take back their land? Totally plausible. You can’t let them know you have any emotions beyond those of a tortoise after a Xanax cocktail, otherwise they might think that you’re, y’know, into them.
5. Start a nuclear war
Okay we get it, you’ve been a bad, bad girl, but this is just too far.
Follow these simple rules and you too may be lucky enough to end up in that 1/3rd of marriages that end in divorce.