Pie Me A River


So some goalie in England ate a pie on a bench and the news went mad over it. If the mania over #piegate and the roly-poly goalie left you feeling a bit lost, don’t worry – qmunicate’s resident sport expert is here to explain away the madness.

In all things sporty, mental games are just as important as all the physical nonsense, and intimidation tactics are a key part of this. False impressions of bravado are a very common method to mentally dominate your opponent, and Wayne Shaw’s pie eating is a masterclass in this. Imagine the thoughts running through the Arsenal team’s minds as they are presented with the blasé figure of the substitute goalkeeper presenting his meat and potato power play. However, unfortunately for Shaw, blatant displays of bravado have been banned from the sport since Gary Lineker had that unfortunate incident/digestion display.

The ingenuity behind pie gate becomes more apparent once you look underneath the crust. His use of a pie – a seemingly innocent culinary delight – is actually based on terrifying stories of yore.  Folklore has long warned of unlucky souls ending up in a tasty resting place inside pies, and Shaw cleverly harks back to that fearsome time to strike fear in the hearts of his opponents. This again has been banned by the FA however, after Luis Suarez went so far as so act out biting into one such human meat pie.

Additionally, although the recent drug revelations in international athletics has galvanised sports bodies across the board to crack down on illegal performance-enhancing substances, somehow pies have escaped an outright ban so far. The roly-poly goalie harvested all the nutrients and goodness out of the flaky super-food, and would have gained immeasurable energy which would doubtless have given him an unfair advantage – hence the backlash. Forget all your kale and goji berries; the real miracle fitness stable is the humble match day pie. Specifically, if it’s a Killie pie (R.I.P.). It can surely only be a matter of time now before players are required to undergo pie-testing to ensure they haven’t munched down a couple of steak and kidneys à la Wayne Shaw.

[Sportacus]

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