Guðni Jóhannesson, the President of Iceland (not the shop one) has launched a whirlwind of controversy after he claimed he would like to ban pineapple on pizza. The comments, made at an informal Q&A at an Icelandic secondary school, prompted international backlash, and the President – who holds a largely ceremonial role – had to clarify that he did not have, and did not want to have, the power to ban the “delicacy”. Banning Hawaiian pizza would be a serious overstep of the President’s power, and potentially threaten the Icelandic political system as a whole – yet, isn’t it worth it?
Pineapple on pizza is nothing more than an affront to nature. Think about it – a fruit pizza? Pizzas are not supposed to contribute to your five-a-day, they should instead be nourishing the soul. I like pineapple, and I like pizza, but enjoying two foods does not mean they will work well together, as I have learned first-hand (life hack: always eat chocolate and sausages separately). Would you put strawberries on macaroni and cheese? No – because that’s fucking disgusting. Mixing fruit (tomatoes excluded, naturally) with carbs and dairy is a literal recipe for disaster.
Devil-worshippers, a.k.a. Hawaiian pizza fans, will argue that the combination of sweet and savoury is a taste sensation. First I say to them: “your way of life offends me, and I object to you on a fundamental level”. Secondly, even if sweet and savoury was what I was seeking in a pizza, the optimal balance is unattainable. Either you get a mouthful of plain pizza, which is good but not what you’re after, or you get a full chunk of overpoweringly sweet, wet pineapple.
In Italy, which is essentially one huge pizza, pasta and gelato restaurant, pineapple on pizza is not a thing. Is it missed? Abso-fucking-lutely not. The actual masters of everything carb-a-licious know that there are so many other toppings that trump pineapple all day every day. And you’re going to stab these benevolent and wise gods in the back for a soggy yellow cube?
And what have the Romans ever done for us? Well not the shitty pineapple pizza.
[Note from the editor: fuck you, Louise. You bastard. You know nothing. Fuck you.]