Pi-nope-le on Pizza

Guðni Jóhannesson, the President of Iceland (not the shop one) has launched a whirlwind of controversy after he claimed he would like to ban pineapple on pizza. The comments, made at an informal Q&A at an Icelandic secondary school, prompted international backlash, and the President – who holds a largely ceremonial role – had to clarify that he did not have, and did not want to have, the power to ban the “delicacy”. Banning Hawaiian pizza would be a serious overstep of the President’s power, and potentially threaten the Icelandic political system as a whole – yet, isn’t it worth it?

Pineapple on pizza is nothing more than an affront to nature. Think about it – a fruit pizza? Pizzas are not supposed to contribute to your five-a-day, they should instead be nourishing the soul. I like pineapple, and I like pizza, but enjoying two foods does not mean they will work well together, as I have learned first-hand (life hack: always eat chocolate and sausages separately). Would you put strawberries on macaroni and cheese? No – because that’s fucking disgusting. Mixing fruit (tomatoes excluded, naturally) with carbs and dairy is a literal recipe for disaster.

Devil-worshippers, a.k.a. Hawaiian pizza fans, will argue that the combination of sweet and savoury is a taste sensation. First I say to them: “your way of life offends me, and I object to you on a fundamental level”. Secondly, even if sweet and savoury was what I was seeking in a pizza, the optimal balance is unattainable. Either you get a mouthful of plain pizza, which is good but not what you’re after, or you get a full chunk of overpoweringly sweet, wet pineapple.

In Italy, which is essentially one huge pizza, pasta and gelato restaurant, pineapple on pizza is not a thing. Is it missed? Abso-fucking-lutely not. The actual masters of everything carb-a-licious know that there are so many other toppings that trump pineapple all day every day. And you’re going to stab these benevolent and wise gods in the back for a soggy yellow cube?

And what have the Romans ever done for us? Well not the shitty pineapple pizza.  

[Louise Wylie]

[Note from the editor: fuck you, Louise. You bastard. You know nothing. Fuck you.]

1 Comment

  1. Dear Louise, I kindly agree with the editor! 😛
    From now on, you are not allowed anywhere smoothies and crepes/waffles/pancakes (e.g. nutella and strawberries crepe) (carbs + dairy + fruit) and since you like Italy so much, I’d love to see you put down that grande latte and drink your coffee how italians made it to be, very small. Also, please put down that Domino’s American style pizza all the Italians hate. It’s not that Hawaiian is my favourite pizza in the world, but given the opportunity, I’d gladly eat it.
    Yours sincerely and no hard feelings, a Hawaiian pizza approver. <3

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