qmunicuts – The Column That Voted Breakfast


The Galapagos giant tortoise has been pulled back from extinction thanks to one rather promiscuous member. This top tortoise lad has fathered 800 kids with various baby mamas, and is indisputably the only guy deserving of the nickname ‘The Shagger’

A small town in New Zealand has been left befuddled by the washing up of ‘professionally, perfectly knife cut’ lemons on their shores. Although it may seem a humorous discovery, it has left a bitter taste in some mouths. qmunicate’s perspective?  ‘When life gives you lemons…’

Mankind beware – an infestation of ‘deadly spiders’ has been found in a bunch of bananas in Leicester, with one side effect of a bite being ‘extremely painful erections’. No pain, no gain.

A couple in Sweden have hit the headlines after attacking teenagers playing Pokémon Go with lasers, then causing a traffic jam by having sex next to a busy roundabout, all while wearing pig masks. qmunicate doesn’t know either.

A 2300 year-old pair of socks with toe notches for sandal straps have been excavated in the Egyptian town of Oxyrhynchus, translated as “what are thoooose?”

Swedish councillors are determined to protect their enormous straw Yule goat from arsonists on its fiftieth birthday. The Gävle goat has been destroyed over 30 times over the years, and officials have decided they’ve goat to dae better.

The 1964 introduction of Soo, the girlfriend of children’s TV star Sooty, has been revealed to have been controversial within the BBC, with fears that it would ‘introduce sex’. The dispute was cleared up when it was made clear that they weren’t those kind of toys.

Cornish cod fish migrating north due to climate change may have difficulty in mating due to their ‘accent’. Maybe humans and animals aren’t so different after all.

A giant inflatable duck bore the brunt of high winds in Glasgow recently, getting dislodged from its tethers and blown into the road. qmunicate wonders whether it ended up wherever the fuck that trampoline went.

The disputed Ukrainian peninsula of Crimea is actually moving towards mainland Russia at the rate of 2.9mm a year, scientists have found. Putin, thy might is great.

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