[qmunicuts] – The Column That Would’ve Won That Penguin Fight

  • A lucky rooster has hit the headlines in China after escaping death in his zoo home 3 times, and has become a bit of a viral celebrity. He has even served as an honorary chief of the local traffic police, resolving the age old question – why did the chicken cross the road?  

  • The name of Celtic’s recent Champions League opponents troubled one local pub so much that they publicised the match as Celtic vs “a German team”. Borussia Monnechenengladabach (that right? Ed.) were delighted when they realised they could finally sell normal length scarves.
  • Drivers who dazzle other motorists with their headlights are being punished in China by having the beam turned on them. The punishment is optional and could seriously damage eyesight, but some men just want to see the world burn.  
  • The oldest known Aborigine settlement has been discovered by a man searching for a place to answer the call of nature. The Australian going to see a man about a horse stumbled upon a 49,000 year-old settlement by mistake. qmunicate hopes he managed to hold it in that bit longer.
  • Boris Johnson has claimed that Britain will make a “titanic success of Brexit”. Since he clearly couldn’t make it to the end of the film, is it any wonder he quit the leadership race early?
  • A Japanese company is launching a new set of chocolates shaped like nipples. The chocolates range from “a young girl’s nipple to a mature age female nipple”. The range is so anatomically accurate that they include worrying chocolate lumps and spun sugar boob hairs.
  • A man in a Sheffield Wilko recently cut off his own toe with bolt cutters and ate it while browsing. Working in retail just got even less appetising.  
  • A ‘poo bandit’ is terrorising Toronto citizens by chucking bags of shit out of their balcony. qmunicate smells a mystery…
  • An American artist has been arrested for one of his performance pieces – dressing as a tree and blocking traffic. Officers twigged when they saw a hand painting the leaves autumnal colours.
  • The president of Ukraine has been prank called by someone impersonating the leader of Kyrgyzstan. He claims he grew suspicious when the caller hung up saying “eat my shorts”.

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