The Onion Cracks the Film Industry

The Onion have signed a three-film deal with Lionsgate in the satirical website’s first foray into film. The films will be developed through 2018, and details about the upcoming projects are yet to be released. Onion Studios VP Kyle Ryan said “We’ve plotted our takeover of the film industry for some time. With the help of Serious Business and Lionsgate, we’ll make room on our award shelf for some Oscars. To the basement you go, Pulitzers.”

While details of the films are still under wraps, qmunicate have been speculating about potential projects, and maybe even offering some suggestions to Hollywood’s finest filmmakers. Here, we’ve gathered the three Onion articles we’d most like to see adapted for the big screen.

You’re A Single-Celled Organism. Can You Evolve Into A Duck? – Clickhole

Clickhole’s 2015 take on the classic choose-your-own-adventure game has the potential to be a cinematic masterpiece. Covering the origin of life itself, and telling the story of nature’s most fascinating process, evolution, here’s the source for the greatest cinematic epic of a generation, in which you restart 50 times after constantly getting stuck as an amoeba and eventually evolving into a platypus.

The Onion’s Royal Baby Coverage

The Onion’s coverage of Royal Baby Prince George as an enormous, leather-winged Eldritch Nightmare could be a body-horror gore-fest to rival Evil Dead, and the most accurate, intimate portrait of the Royal Family ever committed to the big screen.

Black Man Given World’s Worst Job – The Onion

There have been many documentaries covering the Obama administration, but nobody could capture the greatest clusterfuck moments of the last eight years as well as the Onion’s top satirists. Watch, as Republican’s shut down the entire government for weeks in sheer revulsion at the idea of affordable healthcare! See yet another attempt at minor gun reform fail as the NRA wildly misinterpret the second amendment! Watch in horror as Donald Trump convinces fervent racists that Obama wasn’t born in the US! The only problem is that reliving Trump’s election in the cinema might actually bring on a worldwide epidemic of clinical depression.

[Clare Patterson]

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