qmunicuts – The Column That

Theresa May has suffered a case of mistaken identity, after the White House released notes misspelling her name as “Teresa” – which happens to be the name of a famous porn star. Officials were said to be confused after watching her being a sub to President Trump.

A newly discovered moth with a weird blonde thing on its head has, for some unknown reason, been named after the US President. No word yet on whether it’s a fascist.

A female zebra shark has shocked scientists by reproducing asexually, despite previously having had offspring with male sharks. #Endmen2017

Villagers near the northern Indian city Mathura have protected rescue elephants from the cold weather by knitting them jumpers. Puts yer grannie to shame.

Get into your bunkers gang – the Cold War part two is starting, and it’s getting hot. Unacknowledged gay romance hot. The BBC has launched an investigation into whether Russian state broadcasters deliberately leaked the last episode of Sherlock, and the hunt is afoot. Benernat Cucumber – the modern day Franz Ferdinand?

Trump supporters, a.k.a. cunts, have recently identified public enemy number one – Limmy. The comedian was supposedly reported to the FBI after tweeting a joke about Trump getting assassinated. Bureau agents are reportedly stranded in Yoker.

Kristen Stewart has co-authored a scientific research paper on the artificial intelligence she used to direct a film, which in turn was based on one of her own artworks. Her life must be so empty without R-Patz. Sad!

American basketball player Akil Mitchell is in recovery after his eyeball popped out the socket during a game. He should be able to return to the court soon, but says that this has been an eye-opening experience for him.

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