qmunicuts – The Column That Would’ve Won Copeland

Police in New Zealand have cracked down on an “organised operation” linked with the meth trade, which relies on mass theft of garden gnomes. Officers discovered over 300 of the stolen porcelain pests but unfortunately the perp was gnowhere to be found.

A classified US Government memo laying out plans to prevent media leaks has been leaked to the media. qmunicate suspects Joe Biden.

Researchers at the University of London have managed to teach bees how to play football. The bumblebees learned how to roll a ball into the “goal” for a reward. Rangers have reportedly been in contact.  

Neo-nazi, fascist, and “lifelong fan” of 80s electro-pop band Depeche Mode, Richard Spencer has taken yet another body blow, after the band publicly distanced themselves from the punching bag. Thankfully the Nazi still has an imaginary frog to wank over.

Not all heroes wear capes, some just take pictures of burgers. Trumpvsburger is a new Instagram account that is seeking to answer the age-old question – will a McDonald’s cheeseburger outlive the Trump presidency? Truly god’s work.

Brawling broke out on a train in Hertfordshire last month, after several passengers put bagels on people’s heads. Victims were said to be furious, as the bagel is clearly a foreign bread.

The London Fire Brigade has officially named Bromley the “kinkiest borough” in the capital. Road trip?

The Irish parliament has been asked to call in military forces to intervene in an ongoing conflict – the fight against rhododendrons. Michael Healy-Rae took action because “we are losing the war” against the plant in Killarney national park. To be fair, there’s about as much chance that those bushes have WMD as Iraq.

An inventor in the states has horrified womankind by inventing a glue for vaginas. Mensez Adhesive Vaginal Lipstick is intended as an alternative to traditional sanitary products, and will dissolve with urine. Fortunately, it can also be used to seal men’s lips when they continue to spout idiotic views.

A delivery man in Northern Ireland has been forced to pay £500 in compensation after masturbating through a letterbox. It appears that the man got mixed up with what kind of package he was meant to be posting.

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