Mystic Queen Mags: May


You will find your true love on holiday. They will be tall, dark, sexy, and ride a motorbike. You will spend countless nights with them and realise that you both are meant for each other. Three months in, you find out that they secretly collect skin of newly dead people, and the real reason they started dating you was because you have the softest skin they have ever touched. But it’s not weird at all cos you’re in love! How romantic.


It’s time to let out your inner bull. Tell your boss at work what you really think of them. Let it all out. And if he threatens to fire you, shout “I quit” and storm out the shop. You may be suffering economically for the next few months but I promise you’ll feel much better for letting that inner anger out. Go you!


This birthday month for you, Gemini, is all about finding yourself. Ditch holiday plans with your friends and meditate next to a tree. Your pals are snakes anyway. Nature never lets you down.


Venus and Mars have aligned themselves for you. Oh, how special you must feel. Bake yourself a cake or something.


Now is the perfect time to ask your crush out on a date. If they turn you down, fret not: Ann Summers have excellent sex toys that are a good enough substitute!


Stop drinking cans, you alcoholic.


All those 12-hour library sessions have drained you; you need some time out and summer is the perfect time for you! Go to the nearest motorway, hitch a ride with someone and see where they will take you! I highly recommend the M8. You might get a lot of weird looks from conservative drivers or you might get an offer from a slightly seedy looking creep from Govan but, hey! Life is all about experiences.


Every time you shout: “Sun’s out, Gun’s out” this month, an innocent goat dies. Please don’t be a goat-killer.


Holidays are fast approaching and you still haven’t worked on that summer bod yet, oh no! Shouldn’t have bought all those library cookies during exam season. Even though those raspberry and white chocolate cookies are divine, you knew you would regret it and look at you now.


Stop whining about how cold it still is when the sun’s out. It’s Glasgow, what do you expect? Put some factor 20 on and lie on the soggy grass in Kelvingrove Park and work on that tan. You are predicted to end up looking like a glowing goddess this summer. If you start looking red and feeling itchy, don’t worry: it’s just side effects that will wear off soon. I think.

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