Political Russian Roulette


Oh boy, more politics! We’ve got a great choice of candidates this year, not a two-faced, slimy, tax-avoiding runt in the bunch – no sir! In case you’re still reeling from the last hundred elections we’ve gone through in the past 4 years and don’t have time to do research this time round, here is a helpful guide for everything you need to know about your potential prime ministers.

Nicola Sturgeon heads up SNP – the guys you can’t say anything bad about because if you do, you’ll probably get decked off a lad wearing the saltire as a cape. Despite rumours, Sturgeon did not fight in the Battle of Bannockburn, but she is still pushing for “FREEDOM” and not taking a democratic no for an answer. SNP enjoy boasting about how great Scottish education is, all while implementing budget cuts that are making schools a bit shit, really. It’s lucky they’re promising to train 500 more advanced nurses, because this party just got burned. Oh wait, turns out the NHS pay cap that the SNP allowed means nurses are actually £3,400 worse off… shame nurses can’t speak up about this without being criticised for not living like Oliver Twist.

Next up is Amber Rudd of the Conservatives. Oh wait, no, sorry, Theresa May is still leader. The good old Tories fighting for the rights of those repressed and misunderstood posh tods whose only desires in life are to go hunting and spit on the poor. Thirty of their MPs were under investigation for election fraud, so have ingeniously pulled a lovely snap general election out of their tight arses to distract all the mindless idiots they rule over. They’ve replaced a comprehensive manifesto with a burn book dedicated to Jeremy Corbyn, because he is the nastiest skank bitch they’ve ever met – do not trust him, he is a fugly slut. They haven’t reached any of their promised financial targets and the country is still in debt, but it’s fine because soon the rest of us will die off leaving more money for the top 10%.

Labour are somewhat reluctantly led by Jeremy Corbyn who is definitely not Dumbledore, thank you very much. He understands the concept of a suit but is still struggling with the whole tie thing, and for this reason he is utterly unsuitable to run a country. Corbyn’s that drunk guy at the end of an after-party whose been asked to leave but instead keeps grabbing the aux cable to play the Soviet National Anthem. Jezza surprised everyone in TV debates by not being the blithering idiot the media has portrayed him as up to now – gosh, it’s almost like the media in this country is corrupt or something! Unfortunately, Labour is saving up for their push in child and social care, so can’t afford to carve their pledges into another giant stone, but they do have some dank ass memes and a love of Pringles, so we’re content for now.

The Green Party are so successful that they actually have two leaders – Caroline Lucas and Jonathan Bartley. Full of vegans wearing socks with sandals, the Green party still isn’t clued in that global warming is all just a hoax invented by China. the party you donate your third vote to because you still feel guilty about not separating your recycling properly. Main policies are such as making sure cute fluffy animals stay Instagram-ready, creating more jobs, affordable housing, and making sure that hummus shortage fiasco never happens again.

Lib Dem with Tim Fallon, a man so progressive he can’t even say gay sex is not a sin. This party are hoping the fact “liberal” is in their name will be enough to convince everyone they’re good guys, so they haven’t bothered coming up with any half decent policies. The party are still paying for their mistakes in 2012, but not as much as the students are thanks to Nick Clegg stabbing them in the back after falling for David Cameron’s cold, dead stare. Lib Dems have gone through their listening to Taylor Swift stage of the coalition’s break-up and are now claiming to be over it, but we all know one late-night booty call would send them running back. Just eat some chocolate and watch Legally Blonde guys, we can all get through this together.

Finally over Farage’s games, UKIP have found leadership in Paul Nuttall, who they probably found at the back of the local pub enjoying a pint while mouthing off all them bloody immigrants. Currently having a devil of a time trying to convince everyone the party isn’t racist despite all its racist councillors, policies, and racism. They want to make Britain great again by kicking out anyone who isn’t white because it worked so well for Trump, so why not? UKIP claim to support the working class, and yet their manifesto seems oddly empty of any real policies that could help – to be fair though, they were writing in crayons. Gold star for spelling “deportation” correctly.

And those were your piss poor choices! I hope this will help in your decision making. Remember to go out and vote June 8th, your voice really matters! Have fun in whatever dystopian reality we get hurled into. Be seeing you at the hunger games.

[Michaela Barton – @lowkeypigeon]

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