After some moron decided to create a lipstick that literally seals your vagina shut for when you’re *gasp* menstruating – I know, the horror – we took it upon ourselves to make sure the student population of Glasgow knows what they should and shouldn’t be doing to their vagina. I know, you’d think having got this far in life most people would have a clue, but someone thought vagina glue was a good idea so you can never be too sure.
- ‘Feminine’ Lipstick The aforementioned product, which will glue your labia minora together to hold in your period blood (literally, what the fuck), is the worst thing you could put near your lady clam, and why anyone ever thought that this was somehow a good idea will forever baffle me. Please do not do this.
- Vaginal Deodorant For some reason, some people seem to think that a vagina should not smell like a vagina. They do not seem to understand that despite everything that goes on down there, a vagina does not smell like a Debenhams’ perfume counter. So to capitalise on this, someone invented vaginal deodorant. Because nothing smells nicer than a vagina with a yeast infection that was caused by spraying deodorant into it.
- Fancy Soaps Given how sensitive the vagina and its pH balance are, it shouldn’t be a surprise to learn that using that really fancy soap you got from Lush last Christmas on your punani is a bad idea. Vaginas are actually self-cleaning, so all you need to keep it clean and healthy is your old friend H2O – so no more Tutti Frutti near your booty.
- Bullet Vibrators For the love of God, please do not put these inside of you – they are for external use only. Do you really want to be the person who med students use as an anecdote of the worst thing they’ve seen someone come into A&E for? It’s not worth it, friend.
- Fuckboys Never, under any circumstances, let a fuckboy near your vagina. Guaranteed to be a worse experience than any STI or bout of cystitis you’ll ever have in your life, and a lot more difficult to get rid of. You and your vagina deserve better.