Image courtesy of Imogen Whiteley
Congratulations – you’re a wizard, Harry. UCAS the Sorting Hat has placed you in the very capable hands of Glasgow University where the magic happens, and luckily for you, we’ve provided a step-by-step Marauder’s Map guide to help you find your way around campus!
Hogsmeade Station (Hillhead Subway):
Our journey begins at Hogsmeade Station, commonly known by most muggles as Hillhead subway. If you don’t have a broom to whiz around on all day, don’t worry – public transport is here for you!
Diagon Alley (Ashton Lane)
Upon exiting the station, you will notice a small entrance on your right which leads to a cobblestoned alleyway. Follow this path, and you will discover the wonders of Diagon Alley. Why not stop by at the Leaky Cauldron for a cheeky wee dram?
The Philosopher’s Stone (Stone Vagina)
Around the corner from Brel lie some stairs on your left. Climb these stairs, and walk forward several metres towards the stone that looks like a, err, fanny. Surprise, it’s the legendary Philosopher’s Stone (ironically, philosophy lectures do indeed take place in the building behind it on occasion!). Sticking your head through this glorious piece of architecture is optional and possibly even a potential health and safety hazard, but we recommend doing it anyway.
The Chamber of Secrets (Boyd Orr)
Continuing ahead past the Philosopher’s Stone, you shall see a sight for sore eyes on your right: behold the beautiful and beloved Boyd Orr, aka the Chamber of Secrets! One never knows what one may encounter within its four walls, so it’s best to proceed with caution. SO MYSTERIOUS.
Gryffindor Common Room (QMU)
“You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their messy bombs and pints of magic
Set Gryffindors apart”
Should you be able to bring yourself to tear your gaze away from the Chamber of Secrets for a moment, you will sense pure good vibes emanating from the building to your left. Welcome to your favourite house! Some may deny it, but let’s face it: everyone wants to be in Gryffindor and that’s just a scientific fact. We’ll put a spell on you and you’ll keep coming back.
Hogwarts Library (Glasgow University Library)
Now that you’ve been on it, it’s time to get your head down and be a hard-working student! Make your way forward past University Gardens and hike up the hill on your left until you reach the tall building with magically revolving doors. It’s been rumoured that the library contains shrieking books, but rest assured that this is usually just the sound of fourth-years screaming into their dissertations.
Ollivanders (John Smith bookshop)
Every magic apprentice needs the right equipment, which is why Ollivanders is conveniently placed inside the building opposite the library. Enter through the automatic doors and go down the stairs; the wand shop is on your left. Books and other stationary are available to buy too, which is an added bonus! Do you choose the books, or do the books choose you???
Hospital Wing (Barclay Medical Practice)
Unfortunately, not even wizards are immune to accidents and illness. If you’re coughing up slugs, it’s best to get yourself checked out at the Hospital Wing located next to Ollivanders – you’ll be given the right potions to nurse you back to perfect health, nae bother.
Secret Muggle Room (Reading Room)
When leaving the Hospital Ward, exit the building through the doors on your left and take a right turn. Despite its obvious dome-like shape, the Secret Muggle Room goes largely unnoticed by most students, making it a decent alternative to studying in a crowded library.
Hagrid’s Hut (Crypt Café)
By now, you’re probably in need of refreshments and a place to take refuge… fear not, for Hagrid’s Hut lies only metres away! Exit the Secret Muggle Room through its front doors and return to the main road. Turn left, and continue towards Wellington Church for some grub in a cosy setting.
Quidditch Courts/Hufflepuff Common Room (Glasgow University Gym)
“You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are buff,
And unafraid of toil”
After refuelling, and if squats and puffing are your thing, be sure to take your fine other-worldly butt down to the Quidditch Courts and get moving! Continue to walk past Hagrid’s Hut before taking a left turn, and you’ll be a fit sorcerer in no time (disclaimer: you can use Hufflepuff facilities and still be a Gryffindor at heart, obvs).
Slytherin Dungeon (GUU)
“Or perhaps in Slytherin,
You’ll meet some massive bellends,
Those snakey cunts use any means
To achieve their shameful ends”
To be avoided at all costs. Beer Bar is literally the worst.
Detention Chamber (John McIntyre Building)
Nearly there now, but there’s still much to see on campus, so return to the main road and cross to the other side at the traffic lights. Feel free to look around the Detention Chamber if you like, but be advised that this building is home to Daily Prophet meetings. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Ravenclaw Common Room (SRC Welcome Point)
“Or yet in beige old Ravenclaw,
If you’ve a ready mind,
Where those of bland personalities,
Will always find their kind.”
Once you’re done with the Detention Chamber, return to the Main Gate and make your way through the first entrance. The Ravenclaw Common Room is located on your left , and whilst this house may not be the life and soul of the party, they will be helpful in assisting you with your questions and any admin-related needs.
Castle Grounds (Main Building)
Aaaaaannnnnd we’ve finally made it to the most Hogwarts campus area of them all – the Castle Grounds, yaaaasssss!!! Have a wander around and be flabbergasted in response to how gorgeously picturesque this architecture truly is because it never gets old no matter how many times you see it. Oh, and let that awe provide infinite comfort about the fact that this is where a lot of your exams will likely take place (sorry, it’s true… but at least it means you can do them in style!).
Dumbledore’s Office (Principal’s Lodgings)
Of course, every school has its principal, and our very own Dumbledore just happens to have lodgings on site. Make your way through the Castle Grounds until you reach the entrances to the other side where the flagpole is. Take a right, and walk several metres until you see a house – voilà! Some say that this also happens to be Lord Voldemort’s final resting chamber, but we can’t say for sure…
Clock Tower Courtyard (Flagpole)
If you thought that the Castle Grounds weren’t scenic enough, just wait ‘til you retrace your steps back to the flagpole located in the Clock Tower Courtyard- from here you’ll be met with some of the most stunning views of the West End, so pause, breathe and take it in. You may also notice that the Forbidden Forest stands right on our doorstep, so feel free to commune with nature and talk to magical squirrels at your own risk.
Sirius Black Building (Joseph Black Building)
It’s worth mentioning that there are more buildings on campus than can fit into this basic guide, but one notable site where you might find yourself having lectures is the Sirius Black Building, located only a short distance away from the Clock Tower Courtyard. The only real notable thing about it is just its name, though, so don’t expect anything too grand.
Out of Bounds
It goes without saying really, but other universities are strictly out of bounds. We’ve got Hogwarts anyway, and there’s no place like home!
[Anni Payne]
qmunicatemagazine.com 