Film Review: Fifty Shades Freed

[0/5 qs] (We don’t have a nice qmunicate graphic for scores this low)

Moviegoers rejoice, the Fifty Shades trilogy is finally over! Never again must our cinema screens be tainted by the presence of one of these films! Balance has been restored. Yet, unfortunately, we still have one more left to review before we’re quite there yet. I should be smiling because it’s over, but instead I’m crying because it happened to begin with.

I would summarise the plot of Fifty Shades Freed but there really isn’t one. Sure, Anastasia Steele has now married Christian Grey, but most of the film involves these two jetting off to exotic locations and occasionally screwing each other, where noxious writing and ‘romance’ ensues. Certain other things happen, including (and I’m not kidding) a car chase, a pregnancy, a bomb scare, potential cheating and a kidnapping led by a stalker from the last one – and yet it still never once feels like anything important is happening.

Honestly people, I’m running out of things to say about this franchise. What can I say about this one that I didn’t already complain about with the last film? The acting? It’s as horrendous as ever. The leads have less charisma than sandpaper, and they’re both clearly embarrassed to be there. The plot? It’s non-existent. Things just happen with no sense of narrative. The script? Not only is it still an agonising case of nepotism (the writer is E. L. James’s husband) but it’s still torturously unromantic. Everyone talks like high-schoolers, and the relationship depicted is creepier than ever, once again glorifying abuse and control rather than showcasing a genuine BDSM relationship.

As for the sex, it’s just like the predecessors too. It should be kinky but is instead cowardly. They do use a vibrator once, and have a revolting scene involving pubes and ice cream that has since obliterated my love for Ben & Jerry’s… so I guess that puts it a step above Darker, but apart from that one heinous scene it’s still afraid of going all the way. This is why all these films fail as much as they do: they sell themselves as being naughty and risqué, yet can’t afford to show any proper nudity or kinky situations as it would be dismissed as porn. The end result is tame, dull and a waste of time to those who want to see something sexually enticing. The solution: PornHub is a free service available at any time.

I considered stylising this review as a letter of resignation to my qmunicate superiors, but then I figured that would be letting the movie win. Fifty Shades Freed is marginally easier to sit through than Darker because it’s twenty minutes shorter. Otherwise, this is once again a painfully boring, pathetically written and offensively vacuous excuse for entertainment. But let’s look on the bright side – I finally don’t have to see any more of these ever again! Victory thy name is Cooper!

[Calum Cooper – @calumthefilmguy]

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