Ways to Celebrate the Royal Wedding for Morally Bankrupt People

Despite some negative public sentiments, many of the people of Glasgow actually are delighted by the royal wedding, and we wish Harry and Meghan a fantastic day! We’ve compiled this list of great stuff to do to celebrate this momentous occasion and be reminded that the injustices of society don’t affect you and you shouldn’t care about anyone but yourself and inbred rich people. So sharpen your guillotines – it’s wedding day!

Embrace your grandma side and bravely tolerate Meghan Markle

You’ve already hung up your Union Jack bunting, completed the Daily Mail crossword and admitted that M&S underwear is pretty comfy – what’s next? You could always use this is as an opportunity to deflect any criticism of your racist tendencies. It’s always a fantastic ‘gotcha!’ moment when your grandchild accuses you of racial prejudice for being suspicious of the man working at the corner shop, only for you to retort that Meghan Markle is black and you just about tolerate that. If you still harbour some niggling anti-black sentiment, there’s always the handy “I’m not racist, but…” to fall back on.

Take a self-care day for the Bank Holiday That Never Was

Just go ahead and take Monday off – we got a four day weekend for Will and Kate after all. Take a break from the inevitable slow march of life as you work until you die, accumulating a pitiful pension in a job that barely covers your extortionate rent. Bake a Victoria sponge, crack open a copy of Images of Britain and stick God Save The Queen on repeat – you deserve it! Don’t worry about the pay you’re missing out on for taking the day off, maybe you too will get lucky and marry a Prince, living off millions of pounds per year doing approximately fuck all while housekeepers in Buckingham Palace are paid less than the London living wage.

Take that social media detox you’ve been planning to get in touch with your Victorian side

Admit it, you’ve always wanted to go off the grid for a little while. No Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat or Instagram to remind you of the annoyances and trivialities of the modern world. Instead, revel in the resurgence of rickets and other easily preventable illnesses linked to a steep hike in child poverty rates in recent years, resting safe assured in the knowledge that over £30m in taxpayer money has gone to the celebrations this weekend instead of being used by the pesky NHS. Unfortunately, a social media detox means you’ll miss that one guy from your Politics seminar posting about how proud he is to be British this glorious weekend – win some, lose some I guess.

Camp along the procession route and try not to care about homeless people

The streets of Windsor have been cleared of rough sleepers so the respectable people of the UK can sleep rough in order to catch a glimpse of the couple, so don’t forget to take full advantage of it. See if you can snag a great view of Windsor Castle and its approximately 1000 rooms – resist the urge to think about homeless people, the Grenfell survivors or asylum seekers who could be housed in all those empty rooms in order to truly enjoy this spectacular event. Don’t worry, if you don’t acknowledge it, you can’t feel guilty about it.

There we have it –  the best ways to endorse a symbol of colonialism and pointless excess in a country where millions live in poverty. We hope you all have a great Saturday and manage to repress your creeping nihilistic despair. If you have any other ideas for how to spend this glorious day, be sure to not tell them to us and instead make a donation to your preferred homelessness charity.


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