A good relaxing shit is one of the finer things in life. It relaxes you by taking a load off your mind and thereby recharging your batteries. So imagine this writer’s surprise when they found out that no definitive guide or rating system existed for the toilet facilities here at Glasgow University.
Thus, here is a collection of ratings for the buildings on campus that you will most likely find yourself in over the course of your degree, complete with a rating to help one decide if it is worth dropping a log in that building. Each slasher will be graded out of the standard Glasgow 22 mark system by marking three important features of the modern-day toilet out of 7: Privacy (how quiet the toilet is even during peak times), Environment (the building you are in and its level of gravitas) and Comfort (how modern/ decent the toilet is), with an additional final point for any notable or major feature of a researched lavvy.
THE BOYD ORR BUILDING
- Environment: 7/7
- Privacy: 2/7
- Comfort: 1/7
- Notable Feature: It is the Boyd Orr Building 1/1
Total Mark: 11/22
Grade: D1
Final Remarks: Despite this building’s air of prestige, one cannot take a shit without either being seen by other users due to broken doors, or contracting a disease from the floor. This is one to avoid if possible.
THE LIBRARY
- Environment: 3/7
- Privacy: 1/7
- Comfort: 6/7
- Notable Features: Fuck All 0/1
Total Mark: 10/22
Grade: D2
Final Remarks: Unless you’re making an international call late at night in the library, then everyone is almost definitely going to know you’ve just punished the pan and judge you immediately. Only use these facilities for quick missions; don’t let their modernity and cleanliness fool you.
THE MAIN BUILDING
- Environment: 7/7
- Privacy: 4/7
- Comfort: 4/7
- Notable Features: Kinda like Hogwarts 1/1
Total Mark: 16/22
Grade: B2
Final Remarks: Even though you’d be taking a shit in the building with the most gravitas, the high volume of fellow latrine users means that one feels slightly reserved when taking a dump here. In addition to this, one almost feels guilty that they are committing such a sin in such a magnificent place.
THE FRASER BUILDING
- Environment: 3/7
- Privacy: 3/7
- Comfort: 7/7
- Notable Features: You can eat your lunch while bombing ‘Nam 1/1
Total Mark: 14/22
Grade: C1
Final Remarks: What sets this building’s water closets in a mid-table spot for dropping the kids off is that, much like the library, when it’s busy everyone will know that you’ve just committed war crimes unto that toilet and judge you while they eat. Pricks.
UNIVERSITY GARDENS (EXCLUDING ALEXANDER STONE)
- Environment: 7/7
- Privacy: 6/7
- Comfort: 5/7
- Notable Features: Some toilets have pretty medieval paintings in them 1/1
Total Mark: 19/22
Grade: A4
Final Remarks: Uni Gardens is prime real estate for a monster of a jobby. Due to these buildings only really being used for seminars, and with many toilets in each house, you can fire one out in peace. Here is my hint: go to 2 Uni Gardens and use the disabled toilet to shite while listening to Ride of the Valkyries (or Eine Kleine Nachtmusik). I guarantee you will have one of the most relaxing yet powerful shits of your life.
THE ALEXANDER STONE BUILDING
- Environment: 5/7
- Privacy: 5/7
- Comfort: 4/7
- Notable Features: You can laugh at law students here 1/1
Total Mark: 15/22
Grade: B3
Final Remarks: The downstairs toilets offer a degree of serenity when you are engaged down here as people walk by above you. However, if you would like to avoid the many lawyers stating regularly that they “are so fucked for this moot by the way” but can “still hit Hive afterwards”, then you are only a few paces away from the Holy Land of Latrines (see above).
THE ST ANDREWS BUILDING
- Environment: 5/7
- Privacy: 5/7
- Comfort: 5/7
- Notable Features: it is fucking MILES away 0/1
Total Mark: 15/22
Grade: B3
Final Remarks: Despite this place having some good single toilet shitters, the fact you have to catch a flight to this building brings what could be a great pillar of the shiting game here at Glasgow down a severe notch. Fun Fact: the hand soap smells of watermelon and it’s fucking great.
THE GRAHAM KERR BUILDING
- Environment: 4/7
- Privacy: 4/7
- Comfort: 6/7
- Notable Features: IT’S A CHAIN PULL FLUSH!!!!!! 2/1
Total Marks: 16/22
Grade: B2
Final Remarks: Despite this building having a low level of authority among others on campus, the fact you are taken back to the Victorian era for a good old poo is rather spiffing. Pull chain flushing, frosted glass doors AND lockers — in which to place one’s belongings while they attend to their tender business — is amazing. This doesn’t counter the fact that the rest of the building is a dive.
THE HETHERINGTON BUILDING
- Environment: 5/7
- Privacy: 6/7
- Comfort: 6/7
- Notable Features: Not Brexit enough 0/1
Total Mark: 17/22
Grade: B1
Final Remarks: This is a good solid place to make thy solid. Not only are most of the bathrooms quiet at peak times, but they are maintained to a high standard with a strong supply of toilet roll. However one cannot help but feel that the building is missing something when their trousers are at their ankles.
THE ADAM SMITH BUILDING
- Environment: 2/7
- Privacy: 3/7
- Comfort: 3/7
- Notable Features: Janitors shout at you if you take too long to shit 0/1
Total Mark: 8/22
Grade: E1
Final Remarks: This building’s toilet issue needs addressing quickly and efficiently. The facilities are poor and the skid marks in the pans are universally never removed. Do not use.
THE GILCHRIST CLUB TOILETS
- Environment: 7/7
- Privacy: 6/7
- Comfort: 6/7
- Notable Features: Solid WiFi connection here 1/1
Total Mark: 20/22
Grade: A3
Final Remarks: This place is the Vatican of shiting on campus, a true basilica of the game. If you ignore the strange looks from the snobby postgrads then you will truly feel like you are at peace while you release the kraken. It also has coat pegs for your jacket while on the pan. This place has redefined what a good shitter is.
[Josh Hay]
[Image credit: Aike Jansen]
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