[Content warning: sexual references]
I first became sexually active at the age of fourteen, and it didn’t take long for me to
understand my interest in sex as something significantly different from that of my peers. It wasn’t necessarily my sex-drive or my knowledge (although that quickly developed after discovering the unrestricted world of Tumblr pre-2018) but, more identifiably, my infatuation with niche sexual behaviours and dynamics, which began to stimulate kink-orientated desires. I kept everything I fantasised about completely secret, of course. I knew that if my reputation as a total slut could (and did) occur from me simply admitting to masturbating, it probably wasn’t safe to evoke conversation about the depths of my internet search history.
As I got older, I realised there was nothing wrong with enjoying (healthy) kinky sex. I started messing around with guys and girls and developed a rare sexual confidence at an unusually young age. I quickly caught on to the fact I could hardly trust guys to make me cum, never mind to explore anything potentially physically or psychologically dangerous. However, I understood that ultimate honesty surrounding pleasure and boundaries is imperative to enjoying sexual experiences, even in one night stands, so I taught them what I liked. It was up to them whether they stuck around or not.
In getting older and developing close relationships with sexual partners who had gained my trust, I found it progressively less daunting to initiate conversations about ‘trying new things’ in the bedroom, while being sure to remain mindful of their interests and boundaries. In my case, kink often operates outside of sex too, and so having ultimate trust in both my own and my sexual partners’ self-control is essential. Shamelessly laying all of your cards on the table at the beginning of new sexual relationships will weed out the people who are not on the same page as you. My ability to communicate, make decisions, trust and care for others has strengthened, as has my bullshit detector and my recognition of my own self worth.
Now, at the age of 21, I am single and have very little interest in settling for sleeping with or dating anyone who cannot fulfil me sexually. Anybody whose desires do not align with my own is unlikely to hold my attention for very long, and there is nothing wrong with that.
[Aischa Daughtery – she/her]
[Photo credit: Chris Timmins]